By Mike Welsh
Warning: this blog contains some horrendously bad Fruit n Veg puns. The author makes no apologies for cherry picking only the ripest.
You could be forgiven for thinking, after just three days of the 2016 federal election campaign, that its complexion is the orange and lemon fluro safety vests worn by pollies at staged media events. For this to be accurate the vests would need to be a very unsafe light beige. But if you looked past the bland on Monday you’d have seen the only real colour flashed so far in this marathon operation: a big fat round, green water melon. And therein possibly lies the campaign flavour.
Malcolm’s minders carefully cultivated the “walk through” at a Brisbane Fruit N Veg market to the minute. It not only enabled “toff” Turnbull to get down among the fruit market demo by sharing “my first job was packing water melons”, but more importantly, manoeuvred Mal to the watermelon section and kept him right away from anything he could put in his mouth, thereby risking the disastrous after burn Tony Abbott suffered from his raw Onion chomping episode in Tassie last year.
After only a “coupla days” I’m completely over the “jobs and growth” message. I can’t wait for next Monday when the all new and freshly focus group endorsed “growth and jobs” mantra is launched. And I’m hoping some colour may be added to the mix. Although the “slice of the pie” got a bit bigger on Q and A on Monday, the Apple or Humble variety is yet to be seen.
Of course there is potential for the whole show to go pear shaped. How much longer can Scott Morrison maintain his benevolent smirk before reverting to his “I just ate a lemon for you ungrateful bastards” smirk?
And what of the firepower of that high calibre Loose Cannon Tony Abbott? What sort of sour grapes can he unload to “upset the applecart” during the next 50 odd days? Ironically the man who was kept on a very short reign during the last campaign is now footloose and fancy free and able to do whatever he wants, which officially, is to have the Turnbull Government re-elected. His old partner in crime Peta Credlin, now in the mainstream media, can do a lot of damage by spilling the beans on those who shafted Tony without Tony needing to lay down one single banana skin.
And surely there’s a risk of a sordid sex scandal on Bill’s “People First” bus. Couch potatoes don’t give a fig about vertical or horizontal fiscal imbalances but do love it when pollies get down and dirty.
Fruit N Veg is indeed a strong metaphor for success in modern politics.
Old “carrot top” Julia Gillard fell foul of some when it was revealed her kitchen table didn’t have the required bowl of fruit. Kevin Rudd’s downfall came about thanks to his penchant for “leaks” and his choice of “shit sandwiches” over fruit n veg.
And the Coalition no longer has the valuable insight of one of the smartest political brains going around; after allegations of political donation irregularities levelled against Senator Sinodinis saw ARTI CHOKE ON DONATIONS.
But for the meantime it’s a race between the common or garden variety Union boss and the cultivated Billionaire…Oranges and Apples. It would seem Bill has a slightly tougher row to hoe and some ground to Ketchup.
As far as “second banana” Barnaby’s Nats go they’ll be kept busy tending the “frost on the pumpkin”. And with a newly branded Greens….just about anything could TURN UP