By Mike Welsh


Dr Chris Bourke, you are an absolute disgrace to your profession. Politics not Dentistry.

The Dentist turned ACT Minister for Children and Young People was surgically sliced and diced on air by 2CC’s Tim Shaw yesterday morning. Tim Shaw? Seriously ? There must be some sort of mistake.tim-shaw-toshiba

Dr Chris Bourke MLA would have to be the only guest to be “mauled” by Tim Shaw during the Demtel man’s short career on Angry Old Man’s Radio in Canberra. 

Dr Bourke, Tim Shaw is a nice guy, everyone’s mate. How could you let yourself become Shaw’s bunny? There is a far greater risk of being savaged by his predecessor Mark Parton who never raised his on-air voice in anger at anyone. If Parton ever did jump off the the fence it was to “respectfully rebuke” someone and it was always swiftly followed by an apology.

As a former staffer at the station I was phoned by a CC tragic telling me of the scintillating shellacking of Bourke. Shaw, the “Mitchell Mugger”, struck during an interview which centred on the ACT Government’s lack of transparency over the tragic death of a local child. 

A few years back, after I had given Bourke (then a new to the Education portfolio) an on-air “education” of his own , Chief Minister Katy Gallagher confessed that her Government had little choice but to drag the rookie MP off a “very thin bench”. “What can you do Mike?” was Katy’s frustrated lament.


Her solution at the time would appear to be another waste of ACT taxpayers money, if yesterday’s pathetic performance is anything to go by. Bourke used the same mealy mouthed statements  as he employed with me a few years back.

Dr Bourke was ordered to undergo expensive “media training” from a Sydney based consultant to avoid being torn another new one by the likes of me, a jumped up disc jockey who couldn’t believe his luck when an incompetitent media advisor served Bourke up on a platter. I humbly offered to give them both (pollie and the advisor) Media training free of charge but Katy politely declined.

When will they learn? If you are going to talk to people like me (media mongrels) then you need to talk to people like me first. It makes perfect sense to me.

The Member for Ginninderra is a good dentist but he’s fast running the risk of the embarrassing political epitaph on a “plaque” (Dental Dad Joke) gleefully donated by Shaw….. I went on the Tim Shaw Radio show and was excoriated with a nice set of steak knives.

Eat SH*T YOU F***ING C***S

You know its footy season in Melbourne when……

…at the end of the off ramp outside the Richmond Railway station a small, animated man, decked out head to toe in the instantly recognisable red and black colours of his team rapidly approaches.

And as he propels himself past you, you dressed in the unmistakeable navy blue strip of your team, this deliriously happy Bombers fan lets fly with ….”eat sh*t you f***ing c***s”…..

No explanation was required – the essence of the wheelchair wordsmith’s message was abundantly clear. Nor was any personal offence taken by we three Canberrans wearing the “offending” apparel of the “blue baggers”, who had just suffered an humiliating defeat at the nearby MCG, bringing to an end four long seasons of horror for the Red and Black brigade. Only momentarily stunned, we quickly recovered and pissed ourselves laughing once the spray from the colourful gobfull had subsided. Unexpected, but after all to be expected in Melbourne in the shadow of the MCG late in Winter.

Of course people in wheelchairs are perfectly entitled to get excited when their football team wins, particularly when that team has been to hell and back. Of course wheelchair bound people have a perfect right to heckle rival fans outside the Richmond Railway Station and any place they so desire. But when “eat sh*t you f***ing c***s” is hurled in your direction at close range and the giver of the “directive” is a disabled person, apparently you just have to wear it. There appears to be no choice but to wear it.

Abuse of this nature from an able bodied person in the same location and under similar circumstances would almost certainly be returned with interest and potentially end up in a “blue”. And if there’d been a member of the constabulary nearby there may have been an “awkward” situation. Not to mention the women and children among the scores of fans streaming away from the “G”.

The abuse wasn’t aimed at our weight, skin colour, sexuality or age, but rather our football team and therefore, in some circles of society, more than likely considered far less offensive.

A Google search of ‘how to respond to strong abuse from a disabled person in a public space’, returns virtually nothing.



Dear Kevin
Thank you for the recent application for the prime and much coveted position of Secretary General at the United Nations.
While we weren’t swamped with applications for this plumb role, (you , a butch chick from NZ and a couple of other randoms) , we still had to follow the mandatory and extensive process which thankfully , in your case, was a quick show of hands from the boys over beers and pizzas at a Kingston pub last Tuesday night. Topped up with the bi- partisan proxies of True Believers  venting long held grudges, it would appear you have completely missed the cut, dude.
While we appreciate the massive amount of arse licking, energy and preparation you applied to this project  (actually we didn’t even bother to open your email?), and without wishing to put too fine a point on it, my heartfelt and sincere hope is you will eventually come to fully appreciate the near impossible (piece of piss actually) task we were charged with.
In order to be seen to afford you the famous Aussie “fair suck of the sauce bottle” we reached out  to at least two of your selected referees. Remarkably both Ms Gillard and Mrs Keneally were  forthright, candid and pithy in their estimations of your appropriateness for this prestige position. You will be no doubt be heartened to know Ms Gillard is now nursing a broken ankle after falling from a marble table on which she’d been dancing since learning of your UN failure.  And you’d be impressed that Mrs Kenealy was prepared to go the… full nine yards, offering her beloved Labrador puppy in the event of you being unable to fulfil your taxing UN duties. A delicious moot point now, Kevvy but if I may be blunt, their relentless references to a “backstabbing pissant” and a “psychopathic narcissist” may have taken most of the gloss off your once glowing and stratospheric approval rating. History will now record the solid endorsements of the “blonde bombshell” and the “ginger dreamboat” failed miserably to raise your problematic credibility rating to the prescribed base level of the UN’s Selection Criteria. The marker, which some say is petty and small minded, is a relatively unknown and rarely used but convenient caveat inserted in the process to eliminate self-seeking, short tempered dictators from Queensland.
I will come clean Kevin, largely due to your penchant for leaking to Laurie Oakes, that yes I did indeed give you some reason for hope by hinting, several times, that you had my full support for your candidature.  But given my somewhat awkward lack of a silly old mandate, the hair-splitters in my party (a homophobic bunch of Catholic Boarding School Abbott acolyte rednecks) have deemed my giving you the nod completely and utterly out of the question. Broad church my fat arse.
It is my sincerest wish that you won’t remain crushed and numb for too long (no hurry) but that you keep your chins up, Digger, as there’s always another door about to slam in your phoney face.  Take heart my friend, as I’ve said many times since I excommunicated the monk “ there is no better time in our history to be a member of the knifed Australian PMs club and to be looking for a job”.
The reality is that the Australian people have spoken and they yelled loudly that it was …..“way past time the Milky Bar Kid was dragged down from his High Horse”.
I have asked Erica Betts,  our new HR chick, to keep your deets on file should a similar position become available, at which point we could drag your file and enjoy another round of the fab drinking game we call “not getting mad but getting even”.
To show there are no hard feelings, the next time you (deign) to visit Canberra, how about you and I and Albo swing by Dirty Davina’s Kiss My Whip pole dancing club in Braddon?.
In the end, as you are/were wont to say, “let me say this”….. we just simply couldn’t have an earwax munching, pigeon-toed, nerd haughtily strutting the world stage, again. And while you were not nominated for this once in a lifetime and career defining role I strongly encourage you to apply for other less important but more suitable opportunities we have available by visiting us at http://www.suckedinkev.com.au.
Malcolm Turnbull


By Mike Welsh

My former radio colleague Mark Parton is about to become an ACT Politician. Something he’s coveted for a very long time. He’s well qualified and ready to hit the ground running but I’m begging him not to.Formally endorsed by the Liberal Party on Monday and 3 months out from the ACT election, the former 2CC Breakfast personality is already speaking and acting like a typical Politician.

…..”His comments suggest he’s ready, willing and able to employ the disingenuous dexterity required to be able to stand for nothing while sitting on the fence and toeing the party line”…..

In an article by Kirsten Lawson in the Canberra Times on Tuesday; Mark Parton: An about-turn on poker machines in the casino; probed on his first political back flip, Parton said people were not “born as robots with the party mantra….. and from time to time would hold a different position to their part “…adding….”I think one of the healthiest things about the Liberal Party is that it is such a broad church. I know that there will be some things that we may disagree on. But I’m also a team man”….

Has “Parto” revealed exactly the type of representative he’ll be? In resorting to the well-worn and mealy mouthed broad church slogan (universally the refuge of politicians seeking to escape scrutiny) he’s hinted he may be just another of the many unimaginative and compliant members who consistently inhabit the ACT Assembly. The last thing Canberra needs. His comments suggest he’s ready, willing and able to employ the disingenuous dexterity required to be able to stand for nothing while sitting on the fence and toeing the party line.

The ACT assembly already has more than its quota of dickheads, dopes and duds. What it needs is somebody who refuses to become just another party politician. Somebody who is a genuine representative and advocate for their community.

Parton will win a seat in the Assembly and he deserves to. He’s young, energetic and passionate and could bring something refreshing to politics in the ACT. But does he have the balls to do it? The national electorate just had something very succinct to say about professional politicians and party politics. They don’t like them. The electorate, real people, wants genuine people to represent them not puppets.

Mark Parton has a golden opportunity to become that “real” representative. He knows how to use the media and is well connected to the community. His endorsement so far appears to be a political party opportunistically picking an individual with a strong profile who can swing a few extra votes at the election and then fall in line with the party agenda.

Please Mark, don’t become just another politician. Though if you do who knows, a few years down the track you could end up in the Senate when your party does a “Gary Humphries” on Zed Seselja.


By Mike Welsh

If MediaWatch anchor Paul Barry is right I just may have played a small part in the rise of Pauline Hanson. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
From early 1997, whenever Pauline Hanson stepped off an aircraft in Canberra three AFP officers shadowed her 24/7 until she left the nation’s capital. Back at her home base in Queensland a caravan was set up nearby to house protective security officers to take care of things while she was away.
So elevated was the threat to Oxley’s Independent member’s safety the AFP claimed she had the highest rating of any politician, higher even than the Prime Minister of the day, John Howard, who had decreed the only way to deal with Hansonism was to ignore the founder. But Pauline Hanson is back and this time she’s running the show. There’s something about Pauline.

I first met Pauline Hanson in 1997 while  working as a journalist at Port Macquarie on the NSW Mid North Coast. The local branch of her burgeoning political party One Nation invited her to speak.
Hanson had already proven a security nightmare for organisers at such rallies around Australia, but this was a hard-core ‘Pauline’ crowd.  A good percentage of the retirement village’s population jammed into the Town Hall to hear what the woman who ‘spoke their language’ had to say.
I’d barely stepped into the foyer before being targeted by locals who believed the media had given the country’s most famous fish n chip shop owner a tough time and felt the need to ‘jostle’ our small and startled media pack. Ordinarily my beat didn’t involve pensioner pushing and shoving but on this day it surprisingly morphed into something potentially more dangerous.
While law and order in the normally peaceful and civilised tourist/retirement town was quickly unravelling at the front of the building, Ms Hanson was having problems getting past a small mob of protestors which had invaded the stage door. Meanwhile back in the foyer, things got a bit ‘too close for comfort’ and police gathered up the media party and Ms Hanson and shoved us all through a back door to the safety of back stage thus avoiding being crushed by two opposing angry mobs.

Back then Pauline boldly but clumsily proclaimed all manner of things which “had to change in this country”….a song which rang sweet in the ears of a solid section of the community and hit a chord with a another section of the electorate not ready yet to show their “true colours”. While Pauline barked messages which John Howard would later refine into attractive policy and dog whistle his way to an election victory or two, the country became divided over the Red Head from Queensland.
I like Pauline Hanson but apart from being born in the same year as she, we have nothing in common and I don’t share her views. I’ve had her as a guest on my radio shows at least a dozen times on three radio stations and even had her in studio to co-host my 2CC Drive Show in Canberra in early 2012 when she canvassed her small range of issues in her unique style. During that week we dined one evening at one of Civic’s finest eateries where we talked mostly about scone recipes and Tasmanian Real Estate.
News of her “shockjock” debut on 2CC garnered an estimated $200,000 worth of free publicity nationally. Exposure almost useless in Canberra but again proof there was certainly still something about Pauline. The last time I spoke to her was in November 2014 after she had taken back the brand One Nation and was in charge. There was still something about Pauline.
Paul Barry blames the media for the rise and rise of Pauline Hanson, but as the author of The Rise and Rise of Kerry Packer and The Rise and Fall of Alan Bond, the MediaWatch anchor should know better than most that there is something about Pauline. Not John Howard, Tony Abbott, relentless death threats nor a prison term could knock her out of the game. Pauline Hanson cannot and apparently will not, be ignored. In the mid 90s her aim was indigenous Australians, now she has Muslims in her sights and has mainstream media staples like morning TV star Sonya Kruger inadvertently endorsing her extreme views.
Strap yourself in ‘straya…….